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Yep, 48Khz.

I tried using the mic built into the laptop, and an old USB Eyetoy PS2 Camera set to work as a microphone. Neither gives good results.

Mic Settings are already set to the maximum(Just a little above what you just mentioned), and it refuses to go any lower, something about the hardware not being capable of going lower. Also, the two boxes were already ticked.

As far as I can see, you haven't assigned your mic to a player.
Go to Options/Record, the page you are on in the video
Click down until you are on the Channel 1 line, then press right. (like you did at the end of the video)
Then press esc x2.
Click Play, choose a difficulty, then a song - and sing to your hearts content.

The slight discrepancies in the notes it shows on the record screen are because you drifted key a little.
If you pay with background music, you should be fine.
(also, why is 99 Buckets of oats your 'most popular song'!)

I used this screen because it'd be a good way to show what the note detection is like for me.

And 99 Buckets Of Oats is the most popular because I have viewed it a few times when I first saw it, first to figure out what it was(I hadn't yet seen that episode at the time), then to try and get a good score. I gave up when the splatters of blue were too annoyingly wrong.

It looks like it's working to me...
It is showing you the notes in black text just under the boxes that say Channel 1 and Channel 2.

Or is your issue that the game is not scoring you during a song?

My issue is twofold.

One: I sing a note. It'll bounce around the general area of that note before settling on what note it thinks it is. When singing a real song with multiple words and notes in one bar, this is problematic, to put it politely.
Two: When I try an actual song, rather than the blue notes fitting neatly on the notes it says to sing, it does the same bouncing thing, looking more like a certain object splattered a certain blue substance all over the sheet music.

Hi, I'm SilverStarApple, and this game doesn't seem to be able to tell what note I'm singing at when actually singing.

Is it a problem with the game, my mic, or my mic settings?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQrR2pevio8&feature=youtu.be